Victim of Abuse or Abuser?

"It is in the quiet crucible of your personal private sufferings that your noblest dreams are born and God's greatest gifts are given in compensation for what you have been through." - Wintley Phipps

          I still recall the moment a few years ago when I was sitting on my jail bunk #614 in despair. I had been praying and asking God where in the world was He when a total stranger jumped on my bunk at that moment. 

          "Do you believe in Jesus as your savior?  So do you want me to pray with you?"  After she prayed she seemed to vanish.  I could not see her and could not find her.  To this day I still wonder if it was a real person or an angel…

          Once I was released I wondered, what was God’s plan for me.  What was I supposed to do with my life and my situation and my kids? How was I going to support myself? I had only worked part-time for over 20 years in order to raise my family and hadn’t really been in the work force for a long time.

          I am and will forever be grateful for my friends and Christian family who came to my aid and provided me shelter and love where I would have been otherwise homeless and bereft of all resources.  My husband had the courts put a temporary 10 day restraining order on me.  I could not go back to my home and see my kids.  When he was not successful in getting the criminal courts to charge me with a felony, he filed a Domestic Violence claim to the family law civil court.  My attorney told me I had to wait it out to see what my husband was going to file and accuse me of.  In the mean time I had nothing because he had managed to empty out the joint accounts.  I had no car, no access to money not even access to my own personal belongings that were in the house and I had to wait an entire month for the hearing.

          I was in my Therapist’s office for my weekly appointment when the court document he filed was finally revealed.  With my permission my lawyer faxed it to the office so I could go over it with my therapist.  As my therapist was reading it to me he stopped at one point and started laughing.  I was sitting there still shocked and confused as to why my husband filed this document with accusations that were not true.  He accused me of things I said and did that did not happen.  My therapist could not stop laughing.  He explained that he had been a therapist for 30 years and during those years he has testified many times on DV and child abuse cases and that he had treated clients that were court appointed to him.  

          "I am sorry for laughing but, I have never read anything so ridiculous in my entire career as a therapist". 

          I told him but," this did not happen".  He told me it does not matter if it happened or not.  This is not in any way domestic abuse or child abuse…YOU are the one that has been living with abuse."  He gave me information and educated me on Narcissist Personality Disorder.  I did not get it at first.

His official filing included:

1)   Suggesting in front of the children that he attend a men’s church retreat after church.

2)  Harassing him to get Christian counseling and recording our conversation without his knowledge.

3)     Firmly grasping belligerent son’s chin and telling him to stop disrespecting me.

4)  My making a comment about being relieved when the children would be all grown up and out of the house and living on their own so I would have less to deal with.

5)  My allegedly removing computer privileges from our son until he cleaned up his room (this was actually done by him).

6)  Calling the sheriff on him and having him removed from the home because he was making threatening accusations. 

7)    Claiming that I had “physically clawed” my daughter’s arms the day before she moved to UCI. (see photo below the day after ‘the incident’ by a family friend who was aware of what had happened.) She actually was the one that attacked me causing injury to my back.

No claw marks and no sign of trauma

          That November the case was quickly dismissed with prejudice which meant he could no longer accuse me again.  He was given a temporary order to pay me child support and spousal support.  I became terrified at his rage and could not believe how angry he got because he was so sure that his plan would work out. 

          A week later my attorney received scathing emails explaining the court was wrong and that he was not going to pay.  My attorney used those emails as evidence to have his wages garnished through the state.  As a result of his actions, we soon lost our home we had had for 20 years.  Because Matt had previously been out of work for 2 1/2 years we had used up our 401K retirement and the equity of the home and now his wages were garnished. As a result he could no longer make house payments.  I unfortunately needed to use a good portion of my support to pay bails bond, criminal attorney fees, family attorney fees and to start of a new life.  In a matter of weeks, 27 years of hard work in keeping a home and raising kids was completely destroyed and gone. 

        The losses to our family as a result of his "decisions" and "disorder" resulted in the bankruptcy of his business, being unemployed for over two years, the loss of our home, the loss of our savings, 401K, and worse the damage to the relationship between me and my children because of his lies about me. I still cannot believe a well-educated man with 4 degrees (BS in engineering, MS in engineering, MBA, and Ph.D in engineering) and a part time adjunct professor at a local University could be so capable of such poor judgment in every area of life. 

     I needed clarity and answers to the questions everybody kept asking me.  

    "How can he get away with this? If there was no evidence, why did the police take me away?"  I had no idea.

So, I went to the police department to find out.  I was shocked at what I learned.  They sent out a detective to talk to me who was very nice and sympathetic and very apologetic.  He read my arrest report and explained to me that after the O.J. Simpson case Orange County changed their procedures on how to handle DV accusations.  Also, the policemen had to make a decision as to whether it was safe for me to remain there.  My husband was agitated and was very determined to be rid of me.  They knew I would never be charged for a crime from the DA and felt it best to remove me.  He then gave me numbers to call.  They were phone numbers to organizations like Laura's House, Human Options and other support groups for women that were victims of Domestic Abuse. 

          I was so confused at the time. I told them, "No, you misunderstand he accused me of DV, I never accused him."  

          "Maam, we see this all the time now."

          "What?"

          "Spouses falsely accusing their spouses of a crime to get rid of them in hopes of not having to pay spousal support and child support."  

          "If that is so, why did I have to spend 3 days in jail?"

          "Mam, please call these numbers and get the help that they will give you."  

          I was so angry and remember thinking what kind of help is this?  I had a lot to learn.

          My church was so kind and provided counseling services through Celebrate Recovery and I finished their 12-step program.  Step by baby step I began to start my life all over again at the age of 54.  

          Leaders from CR gave me those same numbers to call that the detective gave me.  I realized that maybe I should call and find out why.  So, I called.  Appointments were made.  Human options set up a series of therapy appointments.  Laura's House set up a series of appointments to vet me and assigned me to group therapy.  My first visit with the counselor was a shock.  She asked me if I was aware that my name was already in their data system.  I asked why.  She actually told me that it had been put in there more than once and that the first time was over 2 years ago.  I asked why.  "Someone called us - we cannot say who for confidential reasons- but feared you were a victim of domestic abuse."  Do you have any idea why someone would do that?"  I was stunned.  That was the start of my education and comprehension of what abuse was and what Narcissist Personality Disorder was and what I had been enduring for over 25 years and what caused my PTSD.  I was finally ready to come out of my denial.

  I was able to get funding to go back to college full time and work part time.  I learned how to get additional funds for 2 of my children's college tuition.  My son at USC and another son at UCI.  (I am so proud of them for doing so well.)  

 (to be continued)