The Land of Delusion and the Necessity of Forgiveness

Delusional: characterized by or holding idiosyncratic beliefs or impressions that are contradicted by reality or rational argument, typically as a symptom of mental disorder.


If you have never seen the movie "The Informant" starring Matt Damon, I highly recommend watching it if you want to see on the big screen how the mind of a delusional narcissist works.

I watched this movie several months ago having no knowledge of what it was about or that it was based on a true story but as the movie progressed I started recognizing patterns and similarities in the main character and his family that had happened in my own life and it creeped me out big time. My son watched it and it was like reliving his own life when he was young with his father. The similarities were eerily familiar.

Narcissists live in the land of delusion and not only do they destroy the lives of everyone around them with their grandiose delusions but their own lives as well because they convince themselves that their fabrications and lies are the truth.

What does the Bible say about deceit? It is very clear in the Bible that deceit is an act that God hates. "There are six things that the Lord hates, seven that are an abomination to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that make haste to run to evil, a false witness who breathes out lies, and one who sows discord among brothers" (Proverbs 6:16-19). 

Jeremiah 17:9 "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?"

This applies to all of us but it especially highlights the moral failings of a narcissist. Rather than try to fix the problems they have brought upon themselves they lie and then create more lies to cover over the previous lies and just dig their holes deeper, becoming a human wrecking ball to all around them.  

When I first began in my support group and learned that I would have to at one point forgive my abuser, I was outraged thinking that the women in this group had no real idea of what I had just gone through. Over time, I learned that forgiveness in one of the most important components to my own healing and is at the core of the gospel.

There is a parable in the bible about the wicked servant who owed his master more money than he could ever repay in a lifetime and when the master was ready to throw him in debtor's prison he plead for mercy and was forgiven the great debt. He then turned around and found one of his underlings who owed him a pittance and demanded payment but when he was asked to show mercy he threw his underling in jail. When the master was told by the other servants what the man had done who he had forgiven the great debt his response was this: "You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you begged me. Should you not also have had compassion on your fellow servant, just as I had pity on you?’ And his master was angry, and delivered him to the torturers until he should pay all that was due to him. “So My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trespasses.”

This parable is to demonstrate that we are all great sinners before God and that we owe Him a far greater debt of sin than any human, as evil as they can be on this earth, owes to us. The fact that my narcissist is so self deluded has helped in a small way to enable me to forgive him but it is an continual process not a one time event.

I have come to know many women in the past few years unto whom great evil has been perpetrated by people who have no conscience, are evil to the core and to whom repentance would be a laughable matter. Forgiveness is the furthest thing from their minds....they want justice and I want it for them!

The courts often do not do what is right. They do not always protect the true victims and end up rewarding the abusers and because of this, people grow angry at God:

Matthew 24:12 "And because lawlessness will abound, the love of many will grow cold."

Forgiveness is not for the abuser, it is to free the victim (you and me) from the shackles of unrelenting hate, anger and bitterness. Even if they never repent which most don't, the forgiveness is to free you from them and doesn't necessarily mean reconciliation.

There is a book I have come across lately that I would recommend that was written by a woman who was serially raped by her step father for years who was a deacon in his church! The book details her pain and long journey to discovering the freeing power of forgiveness.

The book is available on Amazon. Click here if you want to learn more.

I Need Your Assistance

I know that there are a lot of people who read this blog that are not official followers. I would really appreciate it if you could follow this blog. Just scroll down on the right and click the FOLLOW button.

You will need to first have some kind of Google account (Twitter, YouTube, Gmail). It doesn't have to have your real name on it if you prefer to remain anonymous. Once you are a follower, you will get an email every time there is a new blog post with a link to the new post.

Also, please feel free to post a comment on the blog post (especially if you are using a pseudonym.

Also, I will soon be creating a permanent resource page with organizational names, addresses, phone numbers, contact names, websites and emails that will be of assistance to anyone who is dealing with abuse.

Thank you!
Rhonda 

Collateral Damage and the Cult of Narcissism

A narcissist does not think logically. They are a victim as well of their own delusional reasoning. My ex-husband thought that by having me charged with a felony (domestic violence) he would no longer have to pay me alimony or child support and that the house would be left to him and our kids. What he didn't count on was the fact that the courts would refuse to charge me for lack of evidence.

When he had me arrested, I was already in the process of working with real estate agents to save our home before it was foreclosed on by the bank. He had been without a job for almost two years and had not been making the mortgage payments. I had been forewarned by his bosses wife (who was privy to his devious plans) and told me to be very very careful because he was planning to do something to me around the time that the re-modification loan was about to go through. Although I had been warned, I found it hard to believe her that he would do anything to me.

As a result of my ex's machinations, we ended up losing our home of 19 years with no money to show for it. He took everything from me. Our home, my car and our joint bank account. I had to rely upon the largess of my friends to shelter and take care of me and the only child who had not succumbed to my ex's brain washing.

But the collateral damage inflicted upon my family was extensive. I learned the hard way that there is no legal remedy to the damage caused by a narcissist. However, I later learned that the family law courts have become very much aware of NPD (Narcissist Personality Disorder) and they were able to financially strike back at mine very hard. A month later, I was able to obtain spousal and child support and he was also sanctioned with the majority of the debt he had incurred due to his lack of income.

Through the education and help I obtained from groups such as Laura's House, Human Options, and Mirakles for Families, I learned about the college funding that was available to victims of abuse such as me so that my boys who were in college would not have to drop out of school and could continue on to graduate and fulfill their career ambitions. These organizations sent letters on my behalf to the Financial Aid Departments for Special Circumstances which enabled me to obtain sufficient funding for them to finish school.

Once my son was accepted into College #1 (a private school) under the Special Circumstances Department, they had me sign in with a private log-in and password under my son's account. They would then send me confidential requests for specific information (copies of my tax returns, court documents, police records, letters from the different organizations listed above, and proof that I was receiving services from those same organizations). Those organizations sent the reports directly to the college without my seeing them.

My other son who went to College #2 (which was a UC state school), handled things a bit differently. They required separate interviews of me and my son and we each had to submit a written statement about what had happened in our family. They required proof of residence that he was living with me and not his father and he had to sign an agreement that he would never live with his father. They also required the same documents that College #1 wanted but we had to bring them in person, and they were stamped and our signatures witnessed along with our ID's.This son was also required to see a therapist that would be provided to him on campus because he was suffering from panic attacks. I learned later that this son was getting the same information and being educated about NPD by his therapist that I was receiving from these organizations. With the help of this therapist, my son discovered that the only way for him to heal and regain his mental health was to extremely limit his contact with his father.

The private UC College that my elder son attended was also the college of which my ex was an alumni. This benefit required that my son (who lived on campus) write a letter of commitment that during the time that he received this financial benefit that he would have to limit contact with his father to 20%.

In summary, you can say that the collateral damage was the financial ruin and the emotional toll it took upon my children.  The adult children of narcissists face trauma-induced health risks and also have the potential to develop NPD disorder themselves.

Los Angeles-based psychotherapist Fiona E. Steele has practiced for over three decades and for the last 8 years has exclusively treated adult children of narcissists (ACoNs) and people in relation with narcissists because, she said, the demand is overwhelming. Steele said that the majority of her clients are just waking up to the reality of narcissistic abuse. "Their whole life they've been looking in a fun house mirror. It's almost like they're coming out of a cult," she said. "They feel shame and isolation. We're taught not to say anything bad about our parents. In that sense the culture supports the narcissist."

WHY? Darkness Hates the Light

 

I will finally answer the question that everyone keeps asking me.

What did you do that caused your husband to turn against you so viciously?

First you must understand the narcissistic personality disorder:

The information below is a collection of educational materials from different support group and awareness organizations:

·         Grandiose sense of self-importance

More than just arrogance or vanity.  Grandiosity is an unrealistic sense of superiority

Narc believe that they’re better than everyone else and expect to be recognized as such about their achievements and talents.  At work, he thought of himself as the star and everyone else is at best a bit player.

 ·         Lives in a fantasy world that supports their delusions of grandeur

Narcs live in a fantasy world propped up by distortion, self-deception, and magical thinking.  They spin self-glorifying fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, and achievements.

Anything that threatens to burst the fantasy bubble is met with extreme defensiveness and even rage, so those around must tread carefully around their denial of reality.

            I did not know that and that was my grave error.  So, I did not protect myself.

·         Needs constant praise and admiration

The occasional compliment is not enough.  A Narc need constant food for their ego.  If there is ever an interruption or diminishment in the admirer’s attention and praise, the narc treats it as a betrayal.

·         Sense of entitlement

Because a Narc consider themselves special, Narcs expect favorable treatment as their due.  They truly believe that whatever they want, they should get. 

·         Exploits others without guilt or shame

Unable to put themselves in other people’s shoes.  Lack empathy.  Looks and view people as objects to serve their needs.  Think nothing of taking advantage of others to achieve their own ends.  Narcs simply don’t think about how their behavior affects others.

Narcissists can be very magnetic and charming.  They are very god at painting fantastical, flattering pictures that draw us in.   We’re attracted to their apparent confidence and embellished accomplishes.  It’s easy to get caught up in their web thinking that they will fulfill our dreams.

Your needs won’t be fulfilled (or even recognized).  It’s important to remember that narcissists aren’t looking for partners; they’re looking for obedient admirers.  Your sole value to the narc is to fulfill the need for you to admire and confirm how great they are.

Notice the way a narcissist treats others.  If he lies, manipulates, hurts, and disrespects others, he will eventually do the same to you

• Unstable employment history.

If your partner can't seem to hold down a job for more than a few months, this often indicates sociopathic tendencies. Sociopaths have a tough time surrounding themselves with the same group of people for a long period of time.

*Narc’s tend to be superficially charming.  It helps them land a job, but many of them can’t hold down the same job for long.  The Narc can read the currents around them that they transfer or find something else before they can be fired.

            The following quote is my inspiration for why I am active in my support groups and the reason I became a paralegal to advocate for other women who are also victims:

 Quoted from Edmund Burke:

“The Only Thing Necessary for the Triumph of Evil is that Good Men Do Nothing … the delusion that he can do no harm if he takes no part, and forms no opinion. … The sin of doing nothing is the deadliest of all the seven sins.”

In my case:

I was completely convinced I had married an accomplished, successful man.  He had successfully convinced me by all his self-proclaimed accomplishments. During our engagement, he took me to all these events where he won awards stating he was nominated for all these awards.  The truth is he worked aggressively and applied endlessly for whatever awards he could get his hands on.  One time he even took me to his University he graduated from saying he was (supposedly) invited to be a guest lecturer.  Only 3 students showed up to hear him and no professor.  The look of defeated ego on his face should have been a clue to me.  One day he called to tell me he was selected to be a candidate for the astronaut program through the Air Force.  The truth is he applied and turned down because he did not meet the physical requirements.  He spent almost a year filing appeals for reconsiderations and paid for a second medical reevaluation.  Later claiming to everyone that his dreams to be an astronaut was put to a halt because the shuttle blew up and the program stopped considering new candidates.

Despite all this, I continued to believe his highly sophisticated and (on the surface) plausible explanations to everything that happened including his separation from active duty in the Air Force.  So we were married without him having employment.  I was told not to worry he had connections and jobs lined up.  After a few months, my brother helped him find an engineering position at a major aerospace corporation.  He continued being reassigned projects after projects and continued telling me fabricated reasons why that I continued to believe.  Until one day he was asked to find another job that the aerospace department no longer had a position for him.  He told me that aerospace was downsizing.  Found another position in the medical technology division and that department was later removed from the company and those engineers acquired the technology to launch a company and he asked to join.  For 10 years the company struggled and he fought to keep his job.

During those years I gradually developed an increasing amount of anxiety because nothing made sense.  He would constantly make statements that later were found not to be true.  He would convince me that I misunderstood and make me out to be crazy.  He did not share in the disciplining and setting boundaries and many times would override my decisions.  I thought I managed to keep everyone from knowing the truth and tried to hide my stress and strain until the panic attaches became overwhelming.  Thank goodness friends help me find a therapist where I was diagnosed with PTSD.

The last straw came when he announced to everyone that he landed a Texas contract that was going to save the company.  There were celebrations with business colleagues and wives.  The only problem was it was not true.  One day the company closed their doors and my husband was out of work.  Again, he was confident that jobs were waiting for him and he had prospects lined up.  This time months turned into a year and I continued to work with my therapist when I could.  She helped me to open my eyes and explore the truth, talk to people and read emails to fill in the holes and confusions. 

I slowly started realizing my husband lived in world of delusion and fantasy.  One day I asked him how the job search was going.  He smiled and said he was going to surprise me but since I asked he will let me know he is again being considered for the astronaut program a special program for middle aged engineers his friend a retired astronaut is recommending him for.  I searched the emails and found he had asked his friend to help him find an astronaut position.  His friend replied that he would send his resume to a person he knew but, he did not know how else to help him but told him that.  “they are retiring people our age”.

My therapist recommended several therapists to give my husband to go to.  He did not like any of them.  With lots of pressure, he finally agreed to find a therapist.  In the meantime, I found real-estate attorneys, with the help of friends, to save our home from foreclosure.

If you dare to question a narcissist or expose the truth about them, the Mr. Wonderful mask immediately comes off, and there is no level to which they will not stoop to in order to punish you.

As I presented my discoveries to my therapist she started becoming very concerned for my safety.  I did not understand why.  I never believed that my husband would intentionally hurt me.  When I was hurt by him I believed it was accidental and/or a misunderstanding.  I was in total denial.

I stayed in contact with one of the wives of one of his former coworkers.  Out of desperation, I asked if she could help my husband find a job at the company her husband was now at.  Almost two years after my husband’s company closed down, her husband was able to get my husband’s resume past the filters of HR and convinced his department head to hire him.  Concerned that my husband would repeat his past job behaviors, I decided to present the truths and the misrepresentations in a joint therapy session with hopes it would open a door for change, healing, resolution and prevention of future losses of employment. 

I will never forget the cold disturbing look in his eyes when I presented the truth and the evidences of emails.  To this day it brings chills to my spine.  After that day, he went on an endless pursuit to destroy me.  First, he went to friends and neighbors to plant ideas that I was mentally ill and used my PTSD diagnoses and treatments against me.  He started meeting with my youngest son privately and told him half-truths about me so that he would turn against me and no longer spoke to or respected me.  He started planting ideas in my son’s head that I was not safe to be around.  He started going to the police, I found out later, prepping them to believe I was unstable and violent and that he was afraid for his family’s safety so that by the he was ready they were primed to arrest me on his false accusations of domestic violence. It worked only up to a point.

The Jailbird Returns Home

After I was released from jail I spent the next month at my friend’s home until after the hearing in the family law court where my case was dismissed with prejudice. The court refused to sanction my husband’s attempts to get a restraining order against me and I finally returned home. My friend’s thought it would be a good idea to have an impromptu “welcome home” party to show my husband that I had friends who were supportive of me.

They all came over armed with food and drinks. My husband went up to our former bedroom and hid while they ate dinner with me. He neither spoke to anyone nor greeted any of them though he had known them for years.

When dinner was done, everyone walked up to my daughter’s former bedroom where I had been sleeping the past few years and were horrified at what they found.

They could barely open the door. In the brief space of time that I had been gone from the house, my husband had taken everything he could get his hands on and dumped it into that room. It was piled from floor to ceiling with crap.  It was just his way of making me feel totally unwelcome. It was literally Fibber McGee’s closet. You couldn’t even open the door all the way because it was blocked.

For the next several hours, my friends formed a chain gang and carried stuff out of the room and dumped it downstairs in the garage until there was finally enough room for me to walk in and the bed was cleared of debris. Every once in a while he would come out of his hidey hole and pass the chain gang cleaning out the room with a polite “excuse me” as if nothing at all were amiss.

The view from the door

The mound on the bed

Everyone was extremely nervous about me returning home, convinced that he would try to find some way to set me up to accuse me of domestic violence again. I was left with explicit instructions and pleas that I would never be caught alone with him in anyway and would stay in my room until he left for work and blockade the door with furniture at night. They called me each morning and each night to make sure I was okay and panicked if I didn’t answer. My son later confessed to me that he was seriously afraid that my husband would try to kill me or do me harm and was having panic attacks from the stress while at school. He acted as my protector and always stayed nearby me.

My stay there wasn’t to last. Despite all my heroic efforts to save the house through a government program (with the help of some real estate attorneys) the house was about to go into default because of my husband being out of work and not paying the mortgage in over a year. I was forced to move again.  Despite the fact that I had no money, he left all the packing and moving of a three bedroom house completely to me when it came time for me to move into my own place.

Adding to the stress of the move were the emergency calls I would get because my high school son (at the time) was having disabling panic attacks at school. The school was very considerate and helpful to him. They referred me to the same toll free numbers for victims of domestic violence and support groups. The school also said that the district would provide counseling for my son at school if I did not get him one soon. My therapist soon referred me to one. After I made the appointments, I was shocked to find out that my husband had canceled them and forbid me to take my son to the counseling he desperately needed. My son was so frustrated. After counseling and guidance from his school, he made arrangements with a friend of his to pick him up from his home and left his childhood home and stayed with them until he could move in with me elsewhere. It took me months and hundreds of dollars to get a court order for my son to see a therapist in order to get treatment for his anxiety attacks. In the meantime I agonized while I watched him suffer, feeling totally helpless.

To this day, I do not understand, why, if my husband was so convinced that if I was this "abusive mother", he would try to stop professional therapy for his children. I finally got my court order and my son was able to get the help he needed but he really resented his father's interference.

Victim of Abuse or Abuser?

"It is in the quiet crucible of your personal private sufferings that your noblest dreams are born and God's greatest gifts are given in compensation for what you have been through." - Wintley Phipps

          I still recall the moment a few years ago when I was sitting on my jail bunk #614 in despair. I had been praying and asking God where in the world was He when a total stranger jumped on my bunk at that moment. 

          "Do you believe in Jesus as your savior?  So do you want me to pray with you?"  After she prayed she seemed to vanish.  I could not see her and could not find her.  To this day I still wonder if it was a real person or an angel…

          Once I was released I wondered, what was God’s plan for me.  What was I supposed to do with my life and my situation and my kids? How was I going to support myself? I had only worked part-time for over 20 years in order to raise my family and hadn’t really been in the work force for a long time.

          I am and will forever be grateful for my friends and Christian family who came to my aid and provided me shelter and love where I would have been otherwise homeless and bereft of all resources.  My husband had the courts put a temporary 10 day restraining order on me.  I could not go back to my home and see my kids.  When he was not successful in getting the criminal courts to charge me with a felony, he filed a Domestic Violence claim to the family law civil court.  My attorney told me I had to wait it out to see what my husband was going to file and accuse me of.  In the mean time I had nothing because he had managed to empty out the joint accounts.  I had no car, no access to money not even access to my own personal belongings that were in the house and I had to wait an entire month for the hearing.

          I was in my Therapist’s office for my weekly appointment when the court document he filed was finally revealed.  With my permission my lawyer faxed it to the office so I could go over it with my therapist.  As my therapist was reading it to me he stopped at one point and started laughing.  I was sitting there still shocked and confused as to why my husband filed this document with accusations that were not true.  He accused me of things I said and did that did not happen.  My therapist could not stop laughing.  He explained that he had been a therapist for 30 years and during those years he has testified many times on DV and child abuse cases and that he had treated clients that were court appointed to him.  

          "I am sorry for laughing but, I have never read anything so ridiculous in my entire career as a therapist". 

          I told him but," this did not happen".  He told me it does not matter if it happened or not.  This is not in any way domestic abuse or child abuse…YOU are the one that has been living with abuse."  He gave me information and educated me on Narcissist Personality Disorder.  I did not get it at first.

His official filing included:

1)   Suggesting in front of the children that he attend a men’s church retreat after church.

2)  Harassing him to get Christian counseling and recording our conversation without his knowledge.

3)     Firmly grasping belligerent son’s chin and telling him to stop disrespecting me.

4)  My making a comment about being relieved when the children would be all grown up and out of the house and living on their own so I would have less to deal with.

5)  My allegedly removing computer privileges from our son until he cleaned up his room (this was actually done by him).

6)  Calling the sheriff on him and having him removed from the home because he was making threatening accusations. 

7)    Claiming that I had “physically clawed” my daughter’s arms the day before she moved to UCI. (see photo below the day after ‘the incident’ by a family friend who was aware of what had happened.) She actually was the one that attacked me causing injury to my back.

No claw marks and no sign of trauma

          That November the case was quickly dismissed with prejudice which meant he could no longer accuse me again.  He was given a temporary order to pay me child support and spousal support.  I became terrified at his rage and could not believe how angry he got because he was so sure that his plan would work out. 

          A week later my attorney received scathing emails explaining the court was wrong and that he was not going to pay.  My attorney used those emails as evidence to have his wages garnished through the state.  As a result of his actions, we soon lost our home we had had for 20 years.  Because Matt had previously been out of work for 2 1/2 years we had used up our 401K retirement and the equity of the home and now his wages were garnished. As a result he could no longer make house payments.  I unfortunately needed to use a good portion of my support to pay bails bond, criminal attorney fees, family attorney fees and to start of a new life.  In a matter of weeks, 27 years of hard work in keeping a home and raising kids was completely destroyed and gone. 

        The losses to our family as a result of his "decisions" and "disorder" resulted in the bankruptcy of his business, being unemployed for over two years, the loss of our home, the loss of our savings, 401K, and worse the damage to the relationship between me and my children because of his lies about me. I still cannot believe a well-educated man with 4 degrees (BS in engineering, MS in engineering, MBA, and Ph.D in engineering) and a part time adjunct professor at a local University could be so capable of such poor judgment in every area of life. 

     I needed clarity and answers to the questions everybody kept asking me.  

    "How can he get away with this? If there was no evidence, why did the police take me away?"  I had no idea.

So, I went to the police department to find out.  I was shocked at what I learned.  They sent out a detective to talk to me who was very nice and sympathetic and very apologetic.  He read my arrest report and explained to me that after the O.J. Simpson case Orange County changed their procedures on how to handle DV accusations.  Also, the policemen had to make a decision as to whether it was safe for me to remain there.  My husband was agitated and was very determined to be rid of me.  They knew I would never be charged for a crime from the DA and felt it best to remove me.  He then gave me numbers to call.  They were phone numbers to organizations like Laura's House, Human Options and other support groups for women that were victims of Domestic Abuse. 

          I was so confused at the time. I told them, "No, you misunderstand he accused me of DV, I never accused him."  

          "Maam, we see this all the time now."

          "What?"

          "Spouses falsely accusing their spouses of a crime to get rid of them in hopes of not having to pay spousal support and child support."  

          "If that is so, why did I have to spend 3 days in jail?"

          "Mam, please call these numbers and get the help that they will give you."  

          I was so angry and remember thinking what kind of help is this?  I had a lot to learn.

          My church was so kind and provided counseling services through Celebrate Recovery and I finished their 12-step program.  Step by baby step I began to start my life all over again at the age of 54.  

          Leaders from CR gave me those same numbers to call that the detective gave me.  I realized that maybe I should call and find out why.  So, I called.  Appointments were made.  Human options set up a series of therapy appointments.  Laura's House set up a series of appointments to vet me and assigned me to group therapy.  My first visit with the counselor was a shock.  She asked me if I was aware that my name was already in their data system.  I asked why.  She actually told me that it had been put in there more than once and that the first time was over 2 years ago.  I asked why.  "Someone called us - we cannot say who for confidential reasons- but feared you were a victim of domestic abuse."  Do you have any idea why someone would do that?"  I was stunned.  That was the start of my education and comprehension of what abuse was and what Narcissist Personality Disorder was and what I had been enduring for over 25 years and what caused my PTSD.  I was finally ready to come out of my denial.

  I was able to get funding to go back to college full time and work part time.  I learned how to get additional funds for 2 of my children's college tuition.  My son at USC and another son at UCI.  (I am so proud of them for doing so well.)  

 (to be continued)

Free at Last!

My number was finally called again. My friend had come to see me and she explained to me what had happened. She wanted me to know that if I chose not to be bailed out, I will have a hearing on Monday morning. If I chose to be bailed out, I would have to wait several weeks for my hearing. That is when I would know if my case would be dismissed or if I would be charged. If I was charged I could ask for bail then and would not have to come back.

If I knew then what I know now; it would have been cheaper for me to stay there. I had no idea what I was being charged with. For all I knew my husband could have taken a knife to himself and blamed me for it. I was scared to death; not knowing what else he was capable of.  I looked at my friend. “Please just get me out of here.” I cried.

The bail bondsman came through. I met with him. He told me that it would be another 8-12 hours before I was out. Because I had gone through the process before, it was now a bit easier to tolerate. I finally walked out of the jail at 2:00 am Saturday morning. I had been in the jail since Thursday night but it had seemed like an eternity.

Upon my release I had to turn in my bedding and had to go through the identification process all over again. They walked me up to a particular point and told me to walk along this long hallway. When she opened the door, I saw a hallway that looked a block long and it was very dark. I began to walk but the further I went the slower became my gait became. It was getting darker and I could feel panic beginning to set in. I was so exhausted I had trouble walking. I finally got to a door but was afraid to go through it without permission because I had now been trained to not do anything without permission. I was afraid of getting into trouble again. Finally after a long wait, the door opened and a female officer started yelling at me.

“What the hell took you so long? Do you want to stay here?”

“I didn’t know if I was supposed to wait here or open the door.”

She looked at me with disgust. “You want to leave don’t ya? Geez! Go into the room and sit there until your name is called.”

I did as I was told, sat down and was told to go through some plastic bags that had my clothing and underwear in it and to sign off that everything was there.

“Go change back into your clothes, then go sit in that room and wait until your name is called!”

I waited for what seemed like another half hour. Finally my name was called and I was given one last bag to check which contained my cell phone, driver’s license and a credit card. I was finally escorted to another door down another hallway. I went through another door into a dark waiting area with all kinds of seats and a payphone I could use to call. I called my friends, Arlene and Stewart who said that they had been waiting for my call for the past 24 hours. They immediately rushed over and picked me up.

By the time I got to their house it was around 4:00 am. I didn’t have any clothes to change into.

“Do you have to be at work today?” My friend asked.

“Yes, I have two classes that I have to teach  today.”

“I think it would be best if you didn’t let anyone at work know what happened. Let’s go to a garage sale, and get you some clothes so you can go to work.”

Despite my exhaustion, we hit pay dirt and found clothes that I could wear to work. I finally got to take a shower and reported for work on time. I taught my classes having not slept since the Wednesday night before.

When I arrived at work, my friend and supervisor confronted me. Her face was stricken with worry. “Rhonda! Where the hell have you been? I’ve been trying to get ahold of you for three days!! I worry sick if I can’t get ahold of you!”

I hesitated. A year earlier she and the store manager had discovered copies of my husband's journals that I had been hiding in my teacher’s cabinet. Unsure of what they were, they had read a portion of them and grown very alarmed. They were so concerned that they had even sat me down and talked to me about it, urging me to leave my husband.

“Just as you feared, my husband did do something to me. He accused me of a crime, a felony and had me arrested. I’ve been in jail for the last two and a half days.”

Her face went pale. “Oh my god! I told you! We tried to warn you, Rhonda! We knew he was going to do something like this!”

“How did you know?”

They just stared at me. “Rhonda, I’m going to have to talk to management about this.”

Because I taught children sewing, I had to have a background check and be fingerprinted every two years. I was concerned that this incident was going to have a bad impact upon my work.

“Don’t worry, I’ll talk to corporate and HR on Monday,” she assured me. I went to my classroom and taught for the next 6 hours. I thought I was going to die of exhaustion. I was in a state of trauma. Throughout that day, my supervisors continually checked in on me to make sure I was okay. At the end of the day, using my friend's car, I drove to her home and collapsed. I wasn’t allowed to go back to my home because my husband had put a ten day temporary restraining order on me.