WHY? Darkness Hates the Light

 

I will finally answer the question that everyone keeps asking me.

What did you do that caused your husband to turn against you so viciously?

First you must understand the narcissistic personality disorder:

The information below is a collection of educational materials from different support group and awareness organizations:

·         Grandiose sense of self-importance

More than just arrogance or vanity.  Grandiosity is an unrealistic sense of superiority

Narc believe that they’re better than everyone else and expect to be recognized as such about their achievements and talents.  At work, he thought of himself as the star and everyone else is at best a bit player.

 ·         Lives in a fantasy world that supports their delusions of grandeur

Narcs live in a fantasy world propped up by distortion, self-deception, and magical thinking.  They spin self-glorifying fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, and achievements.

Anything that threatens to burst the fantasy bubble is met with extreme defensiveness and even rage, so those around must tread carefully around their denial of reality.

            I did not know that and that was my grave error.  So, I did not protect myself.

·         Needs constant praise and admiration

The occasional compliment is not enough.  A Narc need constant food for their ego.  If there is ever an interruption or diminishment in the admirer’s attention and praise, the narc treats it as a betrayal.

·         Sense of entitlement

Because a Narc consider themselves special, Narcs expect favorable treatment as their due.  They truly believe that whatever they want, they should get. 

·         Exploits others without guilt or shame

Unable to put themselves in other people’s shoes.  Lack empathy.  Looks and view people as objects to serve their needs.  Think nothing of taking advantage of others to achieve their own ends.  Narcs simply don’t think about how their behavior affects others.

Narcissists can be very magnetic and charming.  They are very god at painting fantastical, flattering pictures that draw us in.   We’re attracted to their apparent confidence and embellished accomplishes.  It’s easy to get caught up in their web thinking that they will fulfill our dreams.

Your needs won’t be fulfilled (or even recognized).  It’s important to remember that narcissists aren’t looking for partners; they’re looking for obedient admirers.  Your sole value to the narc is to fulfill the need for you to admire and confirm how great they are.

Notice the way a narcissist treats others.  If he lies, manipulates, hurts, and disrespects others, he will eventually do the same to you

• Unstable employment history.

If your partner can't seem to hold down a job for more than a few months, this often indicates sociopathic tendencies. Sociopaths have a tough time surrounding themselves with the same group of people for a long period of time.

*Narc’s tend to be superficially charming.  It helps them land a job, but many of them can’t hold down the same job for long.  The Narc can read the currents around them that they transfer or find something else before they can be fired.

            The following quote is my inspiration for why I am active in my support groups and the reason I became a paralegal to advocate for other women who are also victims:

 Quoted from Edmund Burke:

“The Only Thing Necessary for the Triumph of Evil is that Good Men Do Nothing … the delusion that he can do no harm if he takes no part, and forms no opinion. … The sin of doing nothing is the deadliest of all the seven sins.”

In my case:

I was completely convinced I had married an accomplished, successful man.  He had successfully convinced me by all his self-proclaimed accomplishments. During our engagement, he took me to all these events where he won awards stating he was nominated for all these awards.  The truth is he worked aggressively and applied endlessly for whatever awards he could get his hands on.  One time he even took me to his University he graduated from saying he was (supposedly) invited to be a guest lecturer.  Only 3 students showed up to hear him and no professor.  The look of defeated ego on his face should have been a clue to me.  One day he called to tell me he was selected to be a candidate for the astronaut program through the Air Force.  The truth is he applied and turned down because he did not meet the physical requirements.  He spent almost a year filing appeals for reconsiderations and paid for a second medical reevaluation.  Later claiming to everyone that his dreams to be an astronaut was put to a halt because the shuttle blew up and the program stopped considering new candidates.

Despite all this, I continued to believe his highly sophisticated and (on the surface) plausible explanations to everything that happened including his separation from active duty in the Air Force.  So we were married without him having employment.  I was told not to worry he had connections and jobs lined up.  After a few months, my brother helped him find an engineering position at a major aerospace corporation.  He continued being reassigned projects after projects and continued telling me fabricated reasons why that I continued to believe.  Until one day he was asked to find another job that the aerospace department no longer had a position for him.  He told me that aerospace was downsizing.  Found another position in the medical technology division and that department was later removed from the company and those engineers acquired the technology to launch a company and he asked to join.  For 10 years the company struggled and he fought to keep his job.

During those years I gradually developed an increasing amount of anxiety because nothing made sense.  He would constantly make statements that later were found not to be true.  He would convince me that I misunderstood and make me out to be crazy.  He did not share in the disciplining and setting boundaries and many times would override my decisions.  I thought I managed to keep everyone from knowing the truth and tried to hide my stress and strain until the panic attaches became overwhelming.  Thank goodness friends help me find a therapist where I was diagnosed with PTSD.

The last straw came when he announced to everyone that he landed a Texas contract that was going to save the company.  There were celebrations with business colleagues and wives.  The only problem was it was not true.  One day the company closed their doors and my husband was out of work.  Again, he was confident that jobs were waiting for him and he had prospects lined up.  This time months turned into a year and I continued to work with my therapist when I could.  She helped me to open my eyes and explore the truth, talk to people and read emails to fill in the holes and confusions. 

I slowly started realizing my husband lived in world of delusion and fantasy.  One day I asked him how the job search was going.  He smiled and said he was going to surprise me but since I asked he will let me know he is again being considered for the astronaut program a special program for middle aged engineers his friend a retired astronaut is recommending him for.  I searched the emails and found he had asked his friend to help him find an astronaut position.  His friend replied that he would send his resume to a person he knew but, he did not know how else to help him but told him that.  “they are retiring people our age”.

My therapist recommended several therapists to give my husband to go to.  He did not like any of them.  With lots of pressure, he finally agreed to find a therapist.  In the meantime, I found real-estate attorneys, with the help of friends, to save our home from foreclosure.

If you dare to question a narcissist or expose the truth about them, the Mr. Wonderful mask immediately comes off, and there is no level to which they will not stoop to in order to punish you.

As I presented my discoveries to my therapist she started becoming very concerned for my safety.  I did not understand why.  I never believed that my husband would intentionally hurt me.  When I was hurt by him I believed it was accidental and/or a misunderstanding.  I was in total denial.

I stayed in contact with one of the wives of one of his former coworkers.  Out of desperation, I asked if she could help my husband find a job at the company her husband was now at.  Almost two years after my husband’s company closed down, her husband was able to get my husband’s resume past the filters of HR and convinced his department head to hire him.  Concerned that my husband would repeat his past job behaviors, I decided to present the truths and the misrepresentations in a joint therapy session with hopes it would open a door for change, healing, resolution and prevention of future losses of employment. 

I will never forget the cold disturbing look in his eyes when I presented the truth and the evidences of emails.  To this day it brings chills to my spine.  After that day, he went on an endless pursuit to destroy me.  First, he went to friends and neighbors to plant ideas that I was mentally ill and used my PTSD diagnoses and treatments against me.  He started meeting with my youngest son privately and told him half-truths about me so that he would turn against me and no longer spoke to or respected me.  He started planting ideas in my son’s head that I was not safe to be around.  He started going to the police, I found out later, prepping them to believe I was unstable and violent and that he was afraid for his family’s safety so that by the he was ready they were primed to arrest me on his false accusations of domestic violence. It worked only up to a point.