I Need Your Assistance

I know that there are a lot of people who read this blog that are not official followers. I would really appreciate it if you could follow this blog. Just scroll down on the right and click the FOLLOW button.

You will need to first have some kind of Google account (Twitter, YouTube, Gmail). It doesn't have to have your real name on it if you prefer to remain anonymous. Once you are a follower, you will get an email every time there is a new blog post with a link to the new post.

Also, please feel free to post a comment on the blog post (especially if you are using a pseudonym.

Also, I will soon be creating a permanent resource page with organizational names, addresses, phone numbers, contact names, websites and emails that will be of assistance to anyone who is dealing with abuse.

Thank you!
Rhonda 

Collateral Damage and the Cult of Narcissism

A narcissist does not think logically. They are a victim as well of their own delusional reasoning. My ex-husband thought that by having me charged with a felony (domestic violence) he would no longer have to pay me alimony or child support and that the house would be left to him and our kids. What he didn't count on was the fact that the courts would refuse to charge me for lack of evidence.

When he had me arrested, I was already in the process of working with real estate agents to save our home before it was foreclosed on by the bank. He had been without a job for almost two years and had not been making the mortgage payments. I had been forewarned by his bosses wife (who was privy to his devious plans) and told me to be very very careful because he was planning to do something to me around the time that the re-modification loan was about to go through. Although I had been warned, I found it hard to believe her that he would do anything to me.

As a result of my ex's machinations, we ended up losing our home of 19 years with no money to show for it. He took everything from me. Our home, my car and our joint bank account. I had to rely upon the largess of my friends to shelter and take care of me and the only child who had not succumbed to my ex's brain washing.

But the collateral damage inflicted upon my family was extensive. I learned the hard way that there is no legal remedy to the damage caused by a narcissist. However, I later learned that the family law courts have become very much aware of NPD (Narcissist Personality Disorder) and they were able to financially strike back at mine very hard. A month later, I was able to obtain spousal and child support and he was also sanctioned with the majority of the debt he had incurred due to his lack of income.

Through the education and help I obtained from groups such as Laura's House, Human Options, and Mirakles for Families, I learned about the college funding that was available to victims of abuse such as me so that my boys who were in college would not have to drop out of school and could continue on to graduate and fulfill their career ambitions. These organizations sent letters on my behalf to the Financial Aid Departments for Special Circumstances which enabled me to obtain sufficient funding for them to finish school.

Once my son was accepted into College #1 (a private school) under the Special Circumstances Department, they had me sign in with a private log-in and password under my son's account. They would then send me confidential requests for specific information (copies of my tax returns, court documents, police records, letters from the different organizations listed above, and proof that I was receiving services from those same organizations). Those organizations sent the reports directly to the college without my seeing them.

My other son who went to College #2 (which was a UC state school), handled things a bit differently. They required separate interviews of me and my son and we each had to submit a written statement about what had happened in our family. They required proof of residence that he was living with me and not his father and he had to sign an agreement that he would never live with his father. They also required the same documents that College #1 wanted but we had to bring them in person, and they were stamped and our signatures witnessed along with our ID's.This son was also required to see a therapist that would be provided to him on campus because he was suffering from panic attacks. I learned later that this son was getting the same information and being educated about NPD by his therapist that I was receiving from these organizations. With the help of this therapist, my son discovered that the only way for him to heal and regain his mental health was to extremely limit his contact with his father.

The private UC College that my elder son attended was also the college of which my ex was an alumni. This benefit required that my son (who lived on campus) write a letter of commitment that during the time that he received this financial benefit that he would have to limit contact with his father to 20%.

In summary, you can say that the collateral damage was the financial ruin and the emotional toll it took upon my children.  The adult children of narcissists face trauma-induced health risks and also have the potential to develop NPD disorder themselves.

Los Angeles-based psychotherapist Fiona E. Steele has practiced for over three decades and for the last 8 years has exclusively treated adult children of narcissists (ACoNs) and people in relation with narcissists because, she said, the demand is overwhelming. Steele said that the majority of her clients are just waking up to the reality of narcissistic abuse. "Their whole life they've been looking in a fun house mirror. It's almost like they're coming out of a cult," she said. "They feel shame and isolation. We're taught not to say anything bad about our parents. In that sense the culture supports the narcissist."